OkCupid sucks

OkCupid sucks.

I am alone on social media.
How is that even possible?

I stand on shores of cybernetic optics, peering through fibers for a soul shaped like the hole in mine.
I’ve never been good without my better half and when I try to be, I get slammed with indecision, with laments in the night that sound like the names of lovers.
I have never broken up with anybody, but I have been left.

Informed not through phone or message, but through clerical errors and friends of friends that my life is passing me by, that events are happening because nobody thinks to invite me to things.
I’d like to be invited, but can’t work up the nerve to invite myself.
Where are the parties happening, where are my twenties going? What happened to high school, to college? to university?
Is this the life I’m leading now? Is this the life I’ve built for myself now? Staring into windows at the loving lives of friends I haven’t spoken with in years?

I see the vacations of others and feel sick to my stomach.
Not because I envy them, but because I can’t be anything like them.
I don’t remember the last time I had a vacation–scratch that–I can’t remember ever taking a vacation–delete that–I have never taken a vacation–fuck me–
I have never taken a break or thought to stop, not once in my love-forsaken life because I learned breaks were for the weak–people who didn’t know how to be funny took booze breaks–people who didn’t know how to talk took meal breaks–people who didn’t know how to gather took smoke breaks–

But, in the middle of all these breaks I fell.
I never found a break for me, I never found a person waiting for me outside of the loves I made for my selves.
I gave my love to all my lovers and they found it wanting over and over.
They wanted more from me, not realizing I’d given too much already.

The movies teach you how to love another, but never teach you how to love yourself.
Who knew that a heart could be weaponized? who knew that a relationship could become a time bomb? who knew that if you just sat and waited for a spell, eventually the world would come crumbling down?
I built it up, I built it all up, I thought I was doing good, I thought I was doing better until I looked around at my life and realized that I was the epicenter of a crater and that the impact was me.

Can a natural disaster be held responsible?
Are acts of god the fault of the insurer? the insured? or whatever god you pray to? If I’m a disaster, am I to blame?
Am I to blame?

 

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The Grinch!

Let me tell you about Christmas:

Nobody gets Christmas like I do.

See, Christmas, is wholly and completely consumed by capitalism.

See, back in the way back when, we had this little thing called “Sol Invictus” or “Saturnalius” depending on whether your gods wore togas or drank mead from skulls. Anyway, it was all about the long cold winters and the fear, the very real fear that everything would die in the dark and in the cold without the light of the sun.

Because every year, people didn’t know if the sun was coming back or not.

So on December Twenty-Five , the longest and coldest day of the year, everyone would huddle around, cut boughs off evergreens, bring them inside, and pray that the sun would return.

They didn’t know better. They didn’t know that the shortest day of the year was actually the Twenty-First and that the length of the day is based on the earth’s orbit around the sun in relation to its axis.

So, basically idiots. But, …well meaning idiots.

Nevertheless, “Christmas” was all about love and warmth and kindness, right? Wrong. It was about keeping out the cold. It was about when is the sun gonna come back?

Well, we know better today don’t we? We’re so smart that we know better, don’t we? We know the sun will return. Because we’re not idiot like them, right?

Wrong-o.

See, nowadays we have to keep the spirit alive. Because we worship the dollar. The big, fat King Dollar Bill.  And He is a fickle god isn’t He? We don’t know if He will ever come back do we?  Do we? No no no no no noooooooooo….

So what do we do? What do we do? We buy presents. We buy tinsel. And lights. And stockings. And stocking stuffers. And trees, because weren’t those other idiots quaint back in the olden days?

And here we are, hiding in our homes, trying to keep out the starving, the destitute, the poor…

Just buying presents to prove that we can, buying presents to prove that we’re not like them, buying presents hoping that one day we won’t have this fear inside of us.

Guess what? It’ll pass. Someday, we’ll figure out the laws of economics just like we figured out the laws of astronomy.

And then we’ll move on to something new. Something else to keep out the cold.

But, til then, you’ve got me.

I am the cold, the hungry, and the poor.

I am the forgotten, the lonely, the destitute…

Me?

I’m the Grinch.