OkCupid sucks

OkCupid sucks.

I am alone on social media.
How is that even possible?

I stand on shores of cybernetic optics, peering through fibers for a soul shaped like the hole in mine.
I’ve never been good without my better half and when I try to be, I get slammed with indecision, with laments in the night that sound like the names of lovers.
I have never broken up with anybody, but I have been left.

Informed not through phone or message, but through clerical errors and friends of friends that my life is passing me by, that events are happening because nobody thinks to invite me to things.
I’d like to be invited, but can’t work up the nerve to invite myself.
Where are the parties happening, where are my twenties going? What happened to high school, to college? to university?
Is this the life I’m leading now? Is this the life I’ve built for myself now? Staring into windows at the loving lives of friends I haven’t spoken with in years?

I see the vacations of others and feel sick to my stomach.
Not because I envy them, but because I can’t be anything like them.
I don’t remember the last time I had a vacation–scratch that–I can’t remember ever taking a vacation–delete that–I have never taken a vacation–fuck me–
I have never taken a break or thought to stop, not once in my love-forsaken life because I learned breaks were for the weak–people who didn’t know how to be funny took booze breaks–people who didn’t know how to talk took meal breaks–people who didn’t know how to gather took smoke breaks–

But, in the middle of all these breaks I fell.
I never found a break for me, I never found a person waiting for me outside of the loves I made for my selves.
I gave my love to all my lovers and they found it wanting over and over.
They wanted more from me, not realizing I’d given too much already.

The movies teach you how to love another, but never teach you how to love yourself.
Who knew that a heart could be weaponized? who knew that a relationship could become a time bomb? who knew that if you just sat and waited for a spell, eventually the world would come crumbling down?
I built it up, I built it all up, I thought I was doing good, I thought I was doing better until I looked around at my life and realized that I was the epicenter of a crater and that the impact was me.

Can a natural disaster be held responsible?
Are acts of god the fault of the insurer? the insured? or whatever god you pray to? If I’m a disaster, am I to blame?
Am I to blame?

 

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